Stung by criticism of its athletes, the Canadian government has announced new legislation to turn Canada into a world beater at the summer Olympics. Canadian athletes have won just one gold medal – compared to 16 from the UK and 28 from the US, at the time of writing. 

 

However, Bal Gosal, Canadian Sports Minister, today unveiled the $1.2bn package aimed at attracting the best athletes from all over the world to compete under Canadian colours at Rio 2016. “We might not have the best athletes, eh” he said in a statement to the press, “but by God we’re Canada, and we know how to attract people from other parts of the world by a clever use of the looney, eh. Starting today, any non-Canadian Olympic athlete who can down a plate of poutine in 30 seconds, and who doesn’t mind following their name with “I’m not American” every time they introduce themselves, will automatically be entitled to Canadian citizenship and a CD box set of Celine Dion greatest hits. Eh. Here. Scratch my nose and pull my finger.”

 

However, it appears Canada’s plans go further. “But that’s not all, eh” continued Gosal. “We’re also looking to buy up sports facilities in other countries, which we will then close down, thus ensuring that aspiring athletes have no choice but to come to Canada, eh. Eventually, we want to see an Olympics where only Canadians compete, and where Canada comes not just first, second and third, but also fourth, fifth and sixth. Eh. Eh. Eh.”

 

British government minister Ed Vaisey today refused to comment on reports that the British government was looking to counter Canada’s efforts. “There’s four years until Rio,” he said, “so that means we’ve got six to eight years to come up with a solution that keeps our athletes here.” In other news, Develop Your Athletics, the well known publication, is expected to run a Canada Special soon entitled "Why Canada is brilliant and where you live is shit".

 

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